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10 Reasons I Don’t Have Very Many Friends

 

CONFESSION: I don’t have many friends (gasp!). 

Most of my friends are my family (sisters, brothers, sisters-in-law, parents, and husband). I do have some external friendships but to be completely honest, there are very few that I put the time and energy into.

Before you hate on me, read the reasons WHY this has happened:

1. My life is insanity. I am in a perpetual state of survival. Family is something that is always there and so I make an effort to invest in those relationships, but outside of that I have little to no time and little to no energy. Jonathan and I are both INCREDIBLY protective of our time and set very strong boundaries. When he only has a few days off, if we have to go in to get groceries and go to church, we like to spend the other two just resting as a family to prevent burnout. This is somewhat an essential boundary for the sake of both of our sanity.

2. I pull back. I have spent a lot of time evaluating why I do this. I think part of it is a protective mechanism because I AM so incredibly busy just with homeschooling, kids, cleaning, and work. Part of it is that we are an RCMP family, we move. We are currently in the process of moving and I am pulling back from all my friendships. It doesn’t excuse it, but it is kind of what I do and part of what contributes to my serious lack of friends.

3. I am a homebody. My house is generally always a mess so I don’t want to have anyone over, it’s too much work to clean. If my house is clean I don’t want to have anyone over to mess it up! My home is my sanctuary. We have an incredibly full day just with doing school and life and if I have the choice of staying home I generally choose to do it. Going out ANYWHERE with all the kids stresses me out.

4. I am FULL. I am not talking about busy, that is reason number 1 😉 I am happy, content, satisfied with my life. My life is so rich and full and although I know that friendship is important, I think in this stage of my life, I don’t need it as much. I have faith that this will change as my kids get older and I have more time for relationships.  But for now, I feel like God is reassuring me that my time will come.

5. INTERRUPTIONS! Right now getting together with friends is SO STRESSFUL! Mixing our kids, even if there isn’t fighting, I am stressed. My kids are messing something up, I am interrupted a billion times! I can hardly bear it! Having a conversation with my to do list on my mind, my kids constantly pulling at me, my baby crying in my arms… all I can think is RETREAT!

6. My husband is my best friend. FriendshipAgain, this doesn’t replace a good girlfriend, but Jonathan really is my partner in crime. He gets me, he gets the mundane things that happen in my day, he listens to me, he hugs me when I cry, he cheers me up when I am depressed, he doesn’t get offended when I am MAJORLY PMS’ing, he’s just simply my very best friend! Now, clearly he can’t play ALL roles in my life and I don’t want to place that expectation on him. But in this stage when both of our lives are so “programmed” and we are living in the trenches of “survival” we have been leaning on each other more and more.

7. We live in a small town. Small towns don’t bode well for friendship. Sometimes you are in a really close knit community where it happens fast, other times your community is clicky and you pull back. Whatever the reason, for me it has made it a lot harder, especially considering I am one of the only people that homeschools where I live! Any of the other people here who could be close friends have kids in school. They are meeting up and connected with other school moms and I am just completely out of the loop.

8. We have a very close knit family.

Friendship

We have a fairly large family just with sisters and brothers and in-laws and this is my primary source of friendship. These are my best friends. I call my sister and sisters-in-law and mom all the time. We get together, we talk on the phone, we go visit them when we can, we all have kids around the same age, we relate, our husbands are friends, and we connect. Because I am spending time investing in these relationships on nearly a daily basis, it doesn’t leave a lot of time for other friendships.

9. “Me Time” is a Treasure that is Hard to Come By! It is VERY rare for me to leave five kids at home to get out by myself. Partly because I prefer to stay home, partly because Jonathan doesn’t get a lot of time to himself so I feel selfish, partly because a babysitter is expensive and gas is expensive to go into town, and partly because if I do have “me time” I CRAVE to just be ALONE! Being alone is a novelty I don’t often get and the rare moments I have I choose to go sit and crank the worship music and just have no one hanging on my legs.

10. There is an ocean between me and my friends. Literally, an ocean. My husband dragged me kicking and screaming to the middle of nowhere. An island that is an 8 hour ferry ride from civilization, from the nearest Starbucks, from Walmart! Ok, he actually didn’t drag me here, we were both pretty stoked to come to one of the most beautiful places we have ever seen. HOWEVER, let me tell you, islands wreak havoc on friendships you guys. I haven’t left in over 5 months and I probably won’t leave for another 7 months. It is expensive to travel and some of my friends I will not see at all while we are living here. Again, part of the lifestyle of being married to an RCMP officer.

Prioritizing the Friendships I do Have

This last month I have been missing my friends. In the midst of all my crazy and chaos and busyness I think about them with a bit of nostalgia. I’m almost afraid to look at old photos, because I know they will just make me homesick. But here is the beautiful thing about today, you can pick up a phone and still make time, when you can, for those friends whose lives are assuredly just as busy as yours.

10 Reasons I don't have very many friends | mom friendships | mom life | parenting | friendship | parenting encouragement | mom blog

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Life is crazy you guys, it is for you, it is for me. I love my friends dearly, they are important to me and I treasure them. However, one of the best things about them is that they are living the same full-throttle speed of life that I am… they get it! They don’t make me feel bad when it’s been 3 weeks or even a month since we last talked. They don’t judge me if I didn’t respond to their last FB message until they messaged me again about something else and I remember again (whoops). Because they do those things too! I am going to be a good friend again, I know I will! Once my kids can tie their shoes and go to the bathroom and make themselves a snack and play together without needing mommy every single step of the way. The days when I can breathe and invest a bit more into that area of my life. But for right now, friendship is a bit of a juggling act and I am blessed to know that those friends are still going to be there when the circus is slowing down.

How do you make time for friends?

Comments

    • Ha ha, it’s my excuse for now. I do miss it though and am very thankful I have family to fill that gap for me right now. Every once in a while I watch some sappy chick flick and I wish I had that, but it will come. Thanks for stopping by!

  1. True Story. I was at my blogging bestie’s house when you shared this post in our #ETHANproject Facebook group. I read the title aloud to Sammi and we both giggled (because even though we aren’t homeschooling moms….we get it!). Then she said, don’t you just LOVE Rebecca from Hip Homeschooling?

    I said….well….I haven’t communicated with her as much as you have….she seems cool though….what do you love about her? She replies, I don’t know she just seems like someone we would have fun hanging out with, she’s so honest and funny and I really like her. He he. So, whether you knew it or not…you did make a few new friends this week!

    I absolutely love it when you say you are full. I have reached that point in my life. The point where I am no longer looking. I am content and full. Now I approach friendship more as what I can give to others rather than what I need from them. It is working well for me…..

    Thanks for joining us for the #ETHANproject. I am super excited to follow along and see what you come up with for the other challenges. And so is Sammi……

    • Thank goodness for blogging. I should have put that in there. The blogging network is full of some amazing women. Some days I read something like this and it is almost painful. I want to just have you over for coffee, get down to the nitty gritty of life! 😉 I am so excited for this challenge and to be a part of this amazing group of women. Thanks for all your hard work and I look forward to getting to know both of you better!

  2. That’s so great that your family are your friends. I feel like I need to invest in those friendships more. Just last night we had dinner at my sister’s house for my birthday, and my mom was there. And it felt so good to just be with family. I’m looking forward to reading about your future challenges on the #ETHANproject 🙂

    • I think you have a natural connection with family, a bit of a safety net of comfort that you don’t with anyone else. At least not without years and years of knowing someone. It is a wonderful thing and something to invest in for sure! I think sometimes I use it as an excuse though when I should be reaching out more. ha ha. What can I say, I’m fond of my comfort zone 😉

      Thanks for stopping by!

  3. Sarah pretty much summed it up! LOL Yes, you totally made a new friend this past week…ME! 🙂 Glad you are along for the ride this summer at the #ETHANproject. Loved your article and your honesty most of all!

  4. Really appreciate your honesty! I live my life very similar to you and have 2 really good friends outside of my family.They are vital to my sanity. Thanks for sharing.

    • Thanks Laura! I have my best friend from highschool. We both have kids and talk about once a year, but nothing has changed. One day when we live closer I look forward to reconnecting!

    • Thanks Jaime, ha ha, we are not alone! That’s probably why getting together and investing in friendships is so hard, when everyone has kids we are all just trying to make it to bedtime! 😉

  5. Like Sarah, I’m not even a home school mom but all nine points speak loudly to me 🙂 When you are happy in your life you can be full and have only so much to give but bravo to you for not making any apologies about it!

  6. Hi Rebecca, Stopping by from the #ETHANproject link up! I really can relate. I only have 3 littles but it is so challenging and stressful to take all of them anywhere, I just feel like its not worth it “retreat, retreat!”. I have a friend who has 4 kiddos and she told me that the more kids they had, they more they felt complete in that they don’t really feel the need to be out and about and social with everyone all the time. Not that they’re anti-social in the least, but they have each other to share experiences with and don’t want to be rushing around all the time to the next best thing. Thanks for sharing this!

  7. I can totally relate to family being your closest friends. My hubby is my best friend, too. He’s always there for me. I count my mom and sister as my closest girlfriends. We have so much fun together. Especially when my Aunt Loren is involved. Lots of laughter.

  8. “My house is generally always a mess so I don’t want to have anyone over, it’s too much work to clean.” LOL!!!! I sooooo can relate to this statement (among others). I really enjoyed your post so I featured it on today’s #ETHANproject post on my blog! Thanks for the great read!

  9. I totally relate to not having many friends. We move every couple of years with my husband’s job; US Naval Officer. Many people don’t understand the toll it takes sometimes.

  10. I love number 4! I always feel like there’s something wrong because I don’t have friends near by. I don’t even have a lot of family! But I am perfectly content in my life the way it is. Friends are great, but more often than not, I find friendships draining and I just don’t have the energy for it. I’d much rather put my energy in to my family, my home, and my creative pursuits. I know social butterflies will never understand it, but the fact is that sometimes friendship is enriching to our lives and sometimes it just isn’t.

  11. Thank you so much for this post! It makes me feel better about not having time. Before we moved long-distance, we were involved in a very close church community with high expectations for what “living in community” looks like. It just doesn’t feel realistic or doable with four little kids, my husbands intense job and me blogging. I feel guilty and this helped so much! Thank you!

  12. Thank you reading this makes me feel less guilty.We homeschool, but live in northern NJ and since there are SO many people, homeschoolers included here, we feel constantly pressured to go to everything and honestly, to fill up other people’s lives. We’re moving to the country, Kentucky I hope, just to be away from all these distractions!

  13. I always somewhat blamed the community that we live in on my reason for not having friends…but as I grow older I see that a lot of it is what you mention. But I really miss friends! My oldest is 22 and my youngest is 9 and I just crave shooting the bull-I really don’t need support like some women do, just some friends to laugh with and have a cup of coffee with!

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